Monday, June 9, 2008

The Zombie Mother

So now it's June and I should be in Ukraine right now bringing home my girls.

Although I have physically moved on, sending off my I800A form to get permission from the US Government to bring the two little girls home from Latvia. I've redone the financial statement, the homestudy, the Doctor's paperwork. I've researched the new country and read about the adoption process. but the kicker is that I haven't emotionally let go of the girls in Ukraine or emotionally attached to the girls in Latvia. It's not a good spot to be in.

I walk through the days in a fog. It's a blessing that the kids who are already here inadvertantly drag me through each day with their needs and activities. I'm getting out of bed and getting those that go off to school.

Those that stay home are so oblivious to Mom's fog that they just chatter through their day reminding me when it's lunch time and time for the afternoon kindergarten bus and gentle reminders that I didn't get the mail yet.

It makes me feel like I'm useless to the girls half way around the world and just about as useless to the kids here.

The only real moments are my conversations with God which swing from deal making with Him to pleading with him to either slam the doors shut to international adoption and release me from this burning desire He put into my heart, or tranport me NOW around the world to bring home whomever He wants me to bring home.

I don't feel like I can move on with my life with this total unknown devouring my spirit. I think back prior to 12/30/07; back when I thought it would be impossible for me to adopt internationally at all.

I loved following the other families at Reece's Rainbow as they went around the world gathering THEIR children. But I truly thought my life had taken such a turn over the past 15 years from gathering children domestically that I had no way financially or that I could picutre myself leaving these children to go gather more from far away places.

The desire to adopt a little girl with Down Syndrome has been in my heart for 40 years, but never did it burn any brighter for me than 12/30/07 coming home from Church and KNOWING that I needed to do this.

And then April 12, 2008 while my Dossier was in Ukraine getting translated - readied to submit for a court date, some unknowing men and women in the Ukrainian legistlature slammed the door shut between me and my girls; forever altering their lives and mine.

I spend the evenings watching every Christian station I can for some message from some more enlightened-than-I person of WHY is this happening. What did I do, or didn't I do to encourage this change in what felt like destiny?

Last night I got a glimmer of an answer...I heard that "Miracles don't happen where there is no faith."

I'm thinking this morning that maybe I gave up too soon and let myself fall into this depression. Maybe the Right Response would have been to hold onto the thought that Nothing is impossible for God. That this was merely a test of my faith and that if I had prayed hard enough, long enough, been good enough that maybe He would make a miracle for me and Katia and Margarita.

This is so exhausting! The paper pregnancy was exhausting and the mental and physical preparation to be ready to leave my kids here at basically a moments notice was exhausting and now to start the whole process over for another country and another set of travel arrangements and on top of that it's three trips to bring the Latvian girls home...It's all just so exhausting.

And yet the fire burns deep inside me and I know that I have to keep going.