Monday, June 9, 2008

The Zombie Mother

So now it's June and I should be in Ukraine right now bringing home my girls.

Although I have physically moved on, sending off my I800A form to get permission from the US Government to bring the two little girls home from Latvia. I've redone the financial statement, the homestudy, the Doctor's paperwork. I've researched the new country and read about the adoption process. but the kicker is that I haven't emotionally let go of the girls in Ukraine or emotionally attached to the girls in Latvia. It's not a good spot to be in.

I walk through the days in a fog. It's a blessing that the kids who are already here inadvertantly drag me through each day with their needs and activities. I'm getting out of bed and getting those that go off to school.

Those that stay home are so oblivious to Mom's fog that they just chatter through their day reminding me when it's lunch time and time for the afternoon kindergarten bus and gentle reminders that I didn't get the mail yet.

It makes me feel like I'm useless to the girls half way around the world and just about as useless to the kids here.

The only real moments are my conversations with God which swing from deal making with Him to pleading with him to either slam the doors shut to international adoption and release me from this burning desire He put into my heart, or tranport me NOW around the world to bring home whomever He wants me to bring home.

I don't feel like I can move on with my life with this total unknown devouring my spirit. I think back prior to 12/30/07; back when I thought it would be impossible for me to adopt internationally at all.

I loved following the other families at Reece's Rainbow as they went around the world gathering THEIR children. But I truly thought my life had taken such a turn over the past 15 years from gathering children domestically that I had no way financially or that I could picutre myself leaving these children to go gather more from far away places.

The desire to adopt a little girl with Down Syndrome has been in my heart for 40 years, but never did it burn any brighter for me than 12/30/07 coming home from Church and KNOWING that I needed to do this.

And then April 12, 2008 while my Dossier was in Ukraine getting translated - readied to submit for a court date, some unknowing men and women in the Ukrainian legistlature slammed the door shut between me and my girls; forever altering their lives and mine.

I spend the evenings watching every Christian station I can for some message from some more enlightened-than-I person of WHY is this happening. What did I do, or didn't I do to encourage this change in what felt like destiny?

Last night I got a glimmer of an answer...I heard that "Miracles don't happen where there is no faith."

I'm thinking this morning that maybe I gave up too soon and let myself fall into this depression. Maybe the Right Response would have been to hold onto the thought that Nothing is impossible for God. That this was merely a test of my faith and that if I had prayed hard enough, long enough, been good enough that maybe He would make a miracle for me and Katia and Margarita.

This is so exhausting! The paper pregnancy was exhausting and the mental and physical preparation to be ready to leave my kids here at basically a moments notice was exhausting and now to start the whole process over for another country and another set of travel arrangements and on top of that it's three trips to bring the Latvian girls home...It's all just so exhausting.

And yet the fire burns deep inside me and I know that I have to keep going.


Meredith said...

I wish I could reach through and give you a big hug. I hear the desperation in your post, and I know the love you feel for those little ones. Having someone say "no" isn't what any of us want to hear, and leaving them in the hands of strangers and being able to go on and do anything is hard. Unfortunately, I know. God will bless you through your trials. He didn't want to go to the cross and suffer, but through it we gained salvation. Our tribulations will work to His gain, I'm sure they will. I hope your week improves, your kids will "wake you up" to what there is today, and you'll be able to see the great things that He is doing in spite of that loss. ((((HUGS))))

Amy W said...

Every emotion you have written about is what I have been feeling too. I have prayed for the same things, healing and direction. One day I think I have it and the next day I'm lost. I do a few more things to move my adoption forward and then I find myself holding back for a week, questioning it all again. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I will pray for you too.

Shelley said...

"I'm thinking this morning that maybe I gave up too soon... Maybe the Right Response would have been to hold onto the thought that Nothing is impossible for God. That this was merely a test of my faith and that if I had prayed hard enough, long enough, been good enough that maybe He would make a miracle for me."

Just want you to know these words touched my heart today. I'm walking through this moment too...though for completely different reasons. Just wanted you to know that I'm praying for peace in your journey and for the girls that the Lord intends for you to bring home.

You should update more often :)

Julie said...

I'm so sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling. I am praying that whenever you are feeling lost or in a fog, that the Lord will bring peace to your heart and show you what His plan is for you. As I read your words, I was taken back to a time in my life when I felt I couldn't go on because of my own loss, if it were not for the presence of the Lord in my life. I pray He continues to hold you up in this difficult and confusing time. I, too, was SURE that God had orchestrated a specific child to be mine. It was not meant to be.

God can see the end from the beginning, and it is sometimes very hard to allow Him to lead us to a place we don't think is meant for us. He sees the big picture, while we are left seeing only what is in front of our eyes. I'm praying that one day very soon you will be in a position to have a glance at what He was up to right at this point in your life. Hang in there, and know that people are praying for you.
With love and BIG HUGS

Anonymous said...

Oh Linda....I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for posting on my blog and leading me to yours. I feel a bit less alone and a bit less guilty for being a "Zombie Mom" myself...

Sending you much love...

Anonymous said...

Linda, how are things going for you? Please update us? We care.....