His will, not mine.

It's not to be. The door has closed to Ukraine for me. April 12 the Ukrainian Parliment passed a law that single people cannot adopt from Ukraine. And to add insult to injury, they threw in that the adoptive parent can't be more than 45 years older than the child they want to adopt.


So, even if I could convince a male friend to marry me for a few months, I can't change my age. It's just not gonna happen.


My very first reaction was denial...for the next 10 days I kept thinking that they didn't mean me, that they would make an exception, surely with me being this close they wouldn't make me give them up. But the final NO came in an e-mail on Wednesday night.

"Sorry, Ladies, It's time to grieve and move on." That was the message from our fearless leader, Andrea. Amy and I, both single moms were hoping to go to our separate corners of Ukraine this summer and bring our children home.

So now what? Andrea had gently sown seeds about going to another country the first day we all heard about the impending law. But I swept them aside in my arrogance thinking that surely the law would be bent for me. After all I love these girls who are to be my daughters. They can't possibly mean for ME to not come.


By the time Andrea's final words came, I knew they meant me too. No possible stone left unturned. Andrea had contacted many of her colleagues and had gotten the same story. No more adoptions to single people in Ukraine.


I had not really grieved the loss of the girls over that two weeks, because I wasn't willing to let go of the idea that it wasn't going to happen. I had tried on denial, I got angry, I got depressed, I got numb, but the grief started seeping in and by the time the final word came I was ready to break.


Now it's Friday and I'm beginning to feel things other than grief, saddness, helpless, If they call this process of adoption the "paper pregnancy", then this must be what a miscarriage feels like.

So, I'm starting the climb back. Today I started the paperwork for another country. As it is with foster care here in the States, there is always a tidal wave of children needing a home.

This time the country is farther north - in the Baltic States, the country of Latvia. There are several little girls with Down Syndrome in orphanages there and according to Andrea there are very few adoptions from this country because they are truly blind referrals. Absolutely no pictures.


And so it goes, that I leave more daughters in institutions. The reason for this journey is Coleen - that I couldn't get her out of the institution 40 years ago, and so I wanted to save Margarita and Katerina from the same life she had, and now there are three little girls I love who move me on to try to give a home to a little girl or two who someone thinks is a hopeless, unworthy child.


It's time to shut up and listen to God. I thought I was listening, but I think my arrogance got in the way and I took over the mission instead of letting Him guide me to where I need to be. My strong will is useful at times, but when it's a God thing, I need to let Him lead.